i'm awake too late, because there are many things on my mind, and i have a hard time sleeping when that happens. one person who i love just told me recently that she hates the word 'hope.' hates what it represents, hates the idea that there might be a promise of something better that turns out not to be true, not to be reality. and i wish that i could say that everything will be okay, but i know enough to know that this is not my phrase to say, not my consolation to give. i am grateful for the Lord, even though my heart is heavy.
i said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith,
but the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought;
so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
-ts eliot, east coker, four quartets
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
the shepherd who goes out to me
“It often seems that the more I try to disentangle myself from the darkness, the darker it becomes. I need light, but that light has to conquer my darkness, and that I cannot bring about myself. I cannot forgive myself, I cannot make myself feel loved. By myself I cannot leave the land of my own struggles, I cannot bring myself home, nor can I create communion on my own. I can desire it, hope for it, wait for it, yes, pray for it. But my true freedom I cannot make for myself. That must be given to me. I am lost. I must be found by the shepherd who goes out to me.”
—Henri Nouwen, The Prodigal Son
There are some days, more than others, when I need to remember these words for the sake of my heart. They are usually days like today, when I feel a bit anxious and am sure that God has put me in the back of his mind, like a chore that he’s meaning to do, but may not actually get around to for awhile. Days when I am so worried about finding God that I forget to remember to let him find me. And that’s what he does; God is in the business of finding lost people. Not halfheartedly, either – it is his passion. And that’s a good thing – such a good thing – because then it doesn’t matter if I forget or remember. The shepherd still goes out to me.
—Henri Nouwen, The Prodigal Son
There are some days, more than others, when I need to remember these words for the sake of my heart. They are usually days like today, when I feel a bit anxious and am sure that God has put me in the back of his mind, like a chore that he’s meaning to do, but may not actually get around to for awhile. Days when I am so worried about finding God that I forget to remember to let him find me. And that’s what he does; God is in the business of finding lost people. Not halfheartedly, either – it is his passion. And that’s a good thing – such a good thing – because then it doesn’t matter if I forget or remember. The shepherd still goes out to me.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
the hook.
i used to have this really close friend. we spent a lot of time together, and we got close with each other's families, took road trips, the things friends do. as an artist, she was always making cool things out of leftover fabric scraps and photos, and this one time she made me a small plaque, if you could call it that, out of cardboard with splotches of paint and a funny quote on it.
our friendship wavered, flagged out, reignited, and finally ended with something between a whimper and a bang. and that is okay. it is good, really, even though it's been hard for me and sad sometimes.
one of my friends wrote this book and in it, she talks about forgiveness. she uses the picture of taking someone off the hook -- and in my mind, it's always giant me picking up tiny her by the extra fabric of her sweater and removing her from a closet hook -- as a way of helping us remember what it looks like to forgive. this is what she says:
'When I'm trying to forgive someone, I picture myself physically lifting that person off a big hook, like in a cartoon. I never want to. I prefer to stew and focus my anger on them like a laser pointer, and wish them illnesses and bad skin. I hope that they will get fat and people will talk behind their backs and their toilets will overflow and their computers will crash. I work on my anger toward them like I'm working on a loose tooth with my tongue, back and forth. I work on it like I'm training for the Olympics, with tremendous dedication and force."
me too. oh my gosh, me too. i can sometimes notice myself, in the middle of a thought, wanting bad things for other people, and even picking those bad things out. this plaque that my friend made me, for instance. i still have it; it's above my computer in my bedroom where it's been for years. mostly i don't really notice it except as another decoration. but sometimes, when i look at it, there's this anger that bubbles up inside of me and i start to want justice (my version of it, at least) and people to tell me they're on my side and for her to call me and tell me that i was right and she was wrong and will i ever forgive her?
will i ever forgive her?
it is a lot of work to take someone off the hook time and time again. it is hard, and i don't much like doing it. plus, it's been going on for years now. i didn't sign up for that. i thought i'd take her down, take anyone down, one time and be done with it. how wrong i was. i have been given a good gift in my friends who listen to me and pray for me and read my page-long emails of new ideas i have that are really things they've been trying to tell me all along.
one time, awhile ago, i had the nice idea of praying for my friend every time i thought of her. and i never did it. i don't think i've prayed for her in years. but that seems like one small way to take her off the hook. it will feel weird, probably, at first, and i won't have the right words. but i can ask for those.
our friendship wavered, flagged out, reignited, and finally ended with something between a whimper and a bang. and that is okay. it is good, really, even though it's been hard for me and sad sometimes.
one of my friends wrote this book and in it, she talks about forgiveness. she uses the picture of taking someone off the hook -- and in my mind, it's always giant me picking up tiny her by the extra fabric of her sweater and removing her from a closet hook -- as a way of helping us remember what it looks like to forgive. this is what she says:
'When I'm trying to forgive someone, I picture myself physically lifting that person off a big hook, like in a cartoon. I never want to. I prefer to stew and focus my anger on them like a laser pointer, and wish them illnesses and bad skin. I hope that they will get fat and people will talk behind their backs and their toilets will overflow and their computers will crash. I work on my anger toward them like I'm working on a loose tooth with my tongue, back and forth. I work on it like I'm training for the Olympics, with tremendous dedication and force."
me too. oh my gosh, me too. i can sometimes notice myself, in the middle of a thought, wanting bad things for other people, and even picking those bad things out. this plaque that my friend made me, for instance. i still have it; it's above my computer in my bedroom where it's been for years. mostly i don't really notice it except as another decoration. but sometimes, when i look at it, there's this anger that bubbles up inside of me and i start to want justice (my version of it, at least) and people to tell me they're on my side and for her to call me and tell me that i was right and she was wrong and will i ever forgive her?
will i ever forgive her?
it is a lot of work to take someone off the hook time and time again. it is hard, and i don't much like doing it. plus, it's been going on for years now. i didn't sign up for that. i thought i'd take her down, take anyone down, one time and be done with it. how wrong i was. i have been given a good gift in my friends who listen to me and pray for me and read my page-long emails of new ideas i have that are really things they've been trying to tell me all along.
one time, awhile ago, i had the nice idea of praying for my friend every time i thought of her. and i never did it. i don't think i've prayed for her in years. but that seems like one small way to take her off the hook. it will feel weird, probably, at first, and i won't have the right words. but i can ask for those.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
funny list!
i read this on the website for 'the stranger,' the quirky seattle newspaper that is also home to savage love, a column everyone should read and learn great words from. in the meantime, enjoy this list of all the kinds of people that there are.
The Different Kinds of People That There Are
A Complete List
Top left: Kelly O / others: Mike Wilkes
People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of "Hobo"
Am I making this up? I feel like every time someone uses the word "hobo" to mean "homeless person," somebody else has to climb waaay up on their high horse and don their semantics cap and start getting highfalutin all over town about how "a hobo is someone who rides the rails in the Great Depression, and is it 1934 right now? I don't think so! And I can't believe you don't even know what words mean. How embarrassing. Have you heard of Wikipedia? Hhhhhhhhhhhhh." Maybe I'm making all of this up, but if I'm not, I'd just like to say that I'm aware of what year it is, these people are annoying, and I am going to continue using the word "hobo" however I please (within reasonable homeless- related limits, of course), thank you very much, and the way in which I please to use it is, "No thank you, hobo, I do not wish to go on a date with you." Also I will accept "transient."
People Who Are Mean to Hoboes
Lay off, man. Being homeless is terrible. Give the dude a dollar. (I'm still not going on a date with you, hobo.)
People Who Still Have Jobs
As bad as things are right now, this is still most people. Like, 93 percent of people. People with jobs are great, except for the few who talk shit to people without jobs (things like "Hey, get a job!" or "Where's your job?"). In such instances, these people need to be reminded that they, too, possess jobs vulnerable to layoffs and should probably shut the fuck up.
People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete Destitution
You have to hope it's going to be okay. This recession can't go on forever.
People Who Secretly Have Vast Family Fortunes/Trust Funds to Keep Them from Ever Knowing Complete Destitution, or Even Mild Hardship
Just do something interesting with it. You already won. Don't be a douche.
People Who Care About "Tweet" Being the Verb Form of "Twitter" and Have Opinions About Its Usage
This includes people who think you should say "tweet" when you talk about the activity associated with Twitter and people who think you should just use the word "Twitter." These opinions are equally uninteresting. If you must use the Twitter, or not use the Twitter, just do it (or don't). Let's not bring grammar and logic and giving a shit into this.
People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns
These people (and they are numerous) are attempting to cultivate a cute quirk, but they are really just aping a cute quirk cultivated by thousands of cute-quirk-cultivators before them in a giant, gross, boring feedback loop. Yes, clowns can be mildly creepy. But come on. Among the many things that are scarier than clowns: fire, earthquakes, a guy with a knife, riding the bus, colon cancer, falling down the stairs (it could happen at any time!), rapists, people who just kind of look a little rapey and are standing too close to you in line at 7-Eleven, Marlo from The Wire, influenza, and scissors.
People Who Don't Watch TV
Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing what you're fucking talking about. Are we really still having this conversation? Television is a part of the cultural landscape at this point—a lot of it is good. A lot of it is bad, some of which is also good. You know, LIKE ALL THINGS MADE BY HUMANS? Obviously it is also a good idea to go outside once in a while. But the presence of a television in your home does not make that decision for you. You make it. Feel free to still go outside at any time.
People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You're Having
Please, please, please just order your own lasagna.
People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country
Congratulations.
People Who Are into Whimsy
You can't really be mad at people who send away for porcelain figurines of poodles wearing poodle skirts that they saw in the back of PARADE, or who enjoy movies in which impish children attempt to call grandma in heaven on the CB radio. That'd be like punching Helen Keller in the face. These people just want to be left alone with their extremely lifelike baby replicas—small false humans filled with pretend love, that can be asphyxiated with attention and never poop, cry, or grow up to make fun of anyone's stretch pants and doily collection. Forever-babies. (Note: Sometimes people who are into whimsy vote against things like gay marriage. In which case, fuck 'em.)
People Who Complain About the Printed Seattle P-I Going Under Even Though They Never, Ever Used to Read the Seattle P-I
You know what? That's called "heart in the right place." Don't even sweat it.
People Who Are White Who Call Black People "Brothas" When Talking to Other White People, as in, "A Lot of My Friends Are Brothas"
These embarrassing people have lots of black friends and are very comfortable around black people. They also aren't weirded out about being at the gay bar because their ex-girlfriend was bisexual.
People Who Are Old
Notable old people include: Methuselah, George Burns, Andy Rooney, an elephant, Dick Van Dyke, Slade Gorton the senator, Father Time, Slade Gorton the Gorton's fisherman, Chinese people (they kick white people's asses at not dying), John McCain's mom, the old lady who dropped it into the ocean at the end, Harrison Ford.
Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends
Listen, old people. Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love. They only have the capacity to desire croutons. And when you spread infinity croutons across the grass outside MY house, for the purpose of making pigeons love you (WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN), the only result is infinite feces. I now have to walk upon feces-encrusted streets through a feces-encrusted world. Because of you and your delusions of pigeon love. Stop it.
Babies
The opposite of old people. They are like you and me, except smaller, more illiterate, and with less money.
People Who Are Secret Hookers
They're your friends, but they're hookers! Ssssh!
Recession Hookers
No judging. Sometimes these things happen. There but for the grace of writing a bunch of bullshit in the newspaper go I.
People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice
You probably want to hate these people, but why bother? They are absolutely wonderful, and all we can do is deal with it and hope to be charming enough that they will some day mate with us so that our children can absorb some of their impossible magic.
People Who Are Hot Greek Waiters
Once, my sister and I were in a restaurant in Greece, having a fight, and the hot waiter (all waiters in Greece are hot) took one look at our bleak, tear-puffed faces and said, "Ouzo power." He brought us two little glasses of cold, cloudy ouzo, and the ouzo cured our fight.
People Who Smile at You on the Street
It's always nice when any noncreepy stranger smiles at you. There is not enough interstranger smiling going on these days. I also appreciate it when people working in customer service behave in a genuinely nice manner. Thank you. Please enjoy this large tip for your wonderful smile.
People Who Don't Know How to Drink
Sometimes a person forgets to eat dinner, or sometimes they just didn't have time or money, and then they end up at the bar and the only snacks available are Rainier tallboys. And yes, sure, sometimes they grab your beard and tell you, "You are drinking the most successful sausage," even though that's barely even English, and then they lose their keys and have to sleep on your floor, where they wake up utterly bewildered and have to walk back to Capitol Hill and drink a Big Gulp of Sprite for breakfast on a Thursday. Be kind to these people. They mean well.
People Who Are Only Interesting When They're Drunk
This one is a bummer, but it's so much less depressing than its half brother, which is People Who Are Just Boring All the Time.
People Who Believe in Sasquatch
What's that? You couldn't afford your bunion surgery because you spent all your money on Sasquatch detectors? And now your bunion hurts? Bummer. A few years ago, a friend of mine told me that he'd discovered the secret to finding Sasquatch (he's a believer because once, in an Idaho forest, he "heard things" that he "couldn't explain") and called some cryptozoological society to announce his epiphany: "Just find out what it eats, and then go to where that is." He and I, we are not friends anymore.
People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics
Seriously? Either you believe in science or you don't. If you want to say sentences to me like "God made the earth 29 years ago out of Billy Graham's stool" or "Every time you take the morning-after pill, Satan has two orgasms," then go ahead and stay away from Dr. Syringey O'Medicine, MD, from here on out. Because you know that pill that made your strep throat go away? Science invented that. For you. Hey, why don't you just pray for God to take care of that root canal? I'll tell you why: Because God didn't go to dental school, because dental schools don't admit people who DON'T EXIST.
Wizards
Assholes with beards who do magic. In modern times, wizards look just like normal people, because they've learned to wear tracksuits and tuxedos over their robes. This means that wizards could be anywhere. Can you trust the people you work with not to be wizards?
Russians
Citizens of Russia. The sworn enemies of wizards.
Russian Wizards
Don't be ridiculous.
People Who Let Their Cat Walk Across Their Kitchen Cutting-Board, Even Though Those Are the Same Fucking Paws That Have Been Tramping Around That Shit-Filled Cat Box and I Don't See a Kitty Foot-Washing Station Around Here, Do You?
Well? Do you? ANSWER THE QUESTION.
People Who Don't Know How to Navigate a Four-Way Stop or an Uncontrolled Intersection
Can a lady get a wave, please? Just a courtesy wave. That's all I ask. These people are under the impression that rules do not apply to them. They do not have to wait their turn because they are special. They are probably the worst people on this entire list, and that includes wizards.
Animals That Are Really People Who Got Transformed by a Witch
These are people who got on the wrong side of a witch. Now they are turkeys and iguanas or some shit, and all they can do is cry (except not really, because emotional tears are a physiological phenomenon unique to humans and possibly camels). Don't loan these people money, because they obviously have bad judgment.
People Who Are Just a Down-to-Earth Guy, Who Enjoys the Little Things in Life Like Going for Walks, Lifting Weights, or Just Doing Whatever (LOL), Whose Friends Would Probably Describe Him as Honest, Truthful, Loyal, Affectionate, Compassionate, and Romanceful, and Is Looking for a Woman Who Is That Rare Combination of Stunning on the Outside and Beautiful on the Inside, and Most Importantly Down to Earth, Enjoys the Little Things in Life, Loves Children, Animals, Has a Passion, Laughter. I Especially Like Asians.
Can we just skip to the part where you gun down everyone in the Taco Bell?
People Who Try to Pretend Like They Already Knew the Story About Jimmy Stewart Smuggling a Yeti Hand out of Nepal in His Wife's Underpants
I do not believe you, unless your name is Jimmy Stewart's Wife's Vagina. And I'm pretty sure Jimmy Stewart's Wife's Vagina doesn't know how to read. So...
People Who Sit at Their Day Jobs All Day Anonymously Posting the Meanest Things They Can Think of in the Comments Sections on Blogs
These people are just mad because they all have herpes of the eyeball. And diarrhea of the heart. But just to save them some time: I am fat; I am a hipster; I am an idiot; this is the most boring, self-indulgent article ever written; I hate everything because I work for The Stranger, and if I ever say anything nice about anything I will be fired immediately because this is the policy; I should be fired right now; why don't I just go write in my LiveJournal; Dear LiveJournal, I am sooo cunty and fat; I am a "hiptard" who thinks that everything not on Capitol Hill is like that space desert in Beetlejuice with the giant sand worms, and I don't want to go there because I can't ride my fixie on the space dunes (and also I don't want to be devoured); anyway, I probably haven't even seen Beetlejuice because I'm too busy FIRING MYSELF FOR BEING FAT; Dan Savage supported the Iraq war; and something about pit bulls.
People Who Are Bill Paxton
I really enjoyed your work in Twister.
People Who Miss the Point
(See also: People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of "Hobo," People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns, People Who Don't Watch TV, People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You're Having, Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends, People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics, People Who Are Bill Paxton, and Babies.)
People Who Don't Miss the Point
I love you.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
this morning
the mornings before i go to work (on the days i don't sleep in) are one of my favorite parts of the day. today, i am watching the sex and the city where they all are late to carrie's 35th birthday, and i am smelling the fresh flowers outside and watching the cars go by that bring cars full of little kids with oversized backpacks to the school down the street. and sipping on my coffee, even though it's beyond acceptable temperature right now. and big is sliding red balloons therough the window of his car and popping champagne in the backseat, and the children are going to class, and all is right with the world.
and then i head into work, and sometimes the day back to work after a great weekend is hard. do other people feel that way too? it will be good to be back, but i will miss this weekend and play it over in my head, i hope not too much, because the more i do that the less i can experience what someone calls 'the sacrament of the present moment.'
and when i try to practice that sacrament, i will think of carrie and her red balloons and of deep friendships and of family and of Jesus.
good morning, world.
and then i head into work, and sometimes the day back to work after a great weekend is hard. do other people feel that way too? it will be good to be back, but i will miss this weekend and play it over in my head, i hope not too much, because the more i do that the less i can experience what someone calls 'the sacrament of the present moment.'
and when i try to practice that sacrament, i will think of carrie and her red balloons and of deep friendships and of family and of Jesus.
good morning, world.
Friday, April 17, 2009
delayed
i'm at the airport, and my flight got delayed. i secretly love it when this happens. it means all kinds of things; irresponsible things, alone things, things i would not usually do as a respectable and upstanding citizen. like cinnabon for dinner, or a beer by myself, or way more magazines than is humanly possible to read in the space of a few hours. or watching the people around me intensely, because they are doing all kinds of crazy things when they think no one is looking, like taking pictures of the airline employees or picking their nose or scratching their crotches or yelling at someone on their cell phone.
and i'm onto a weekend of fun in l.a. - lauren and brian, mema, shanghai rummy, pasadena, jess, mallory, isabelle's cabinet, the huntington, and eighty-five degrees. delightful.
and i'm onto a weekend of fun in l.a. - lauren and brian, mema, shanghai rummy, pasadena, jess, mallory, isabelle's cabinet, the huntington, and eighty-five degrees. delightful.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
oatmeal
i read, one time, an article by a woman who talked about food. i wish i remembered more, but for the last few years whenever i think of that article, it is only for one reason: brown sugar.
she was talking about her dad's food advice, which sounds vaguely sadistic in retrospect, because he told his daughters that as long as they avoid the three 'white' somethings, they would never worry about being overweight.
and, again, i can only remember two of the somethings: white flour and white sugar.
i made oatmeal for breakfast this morning, and the only time i think of this article is when i make oatmeal. because i think there are two kinds of people in the world: those who like their oatmeal plain, and those who like it with brown sugar. i fall into the second camp, and without fail each time i am dumping the brown sugar onto the steaming oats (a spoon would just get in the way), i think of how this bizarre father told his daughters to avoid white sugar, and that by default makes brown sugar seem downright heroic to me.
so, i dump the brown sugar on with feelings of impunity because it, after all, isn't white. and if it's organic brown sugar, like i used this morning, i'm feeling extra good about myself.
Happy Easter.
she was talking about her dad's food advice, which sounds vaguely sadistic in retrospect, because he told his daughters that as long as they avoid the three 'white' somethings, they would never worry about being overweight.
and, again, i can only remember two of the somethings: white flour and white sugar.
i made oatmeal for breakfast this morning, and the only time i think of this article is when i make oatmeal. because i think there are two kinds of people in the world: those who like their oatmeal plain, and those who like it with brown sugar. i fall into the second camp, and without fail each time i am dumping the brown sugar onto the steaming oats (a spoon would just get in the way), i think of how this bizarre father told his daughters to avoid white sugar, and that by default makes brown sugar seem downright heroic to me.
so, i dump the brown sugar on with feelings of impunity because it, after all, isn't white. and if it's organic brown sugar, like i used this morning, i'm feeling extra good about myself.
Happy Easter.
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