sometimes

sometimes, it is very good to be quiet and listen to your soul. to sometimes close your eyes and feel your way around without seeing a thing or knowing your direction. dallas willard talks about the concentric circles that compose a human - our mind, our body, our will - and the largest circle of them all is our soul. as far as it extends, we can go. as far as it extends, God is there, and so we know that there is no wrong direction or right answer, so long as we live in that sphere.

yoga is demonic, says mark driscoll

Oh, here we go again!

My coworker pointed me to this article in Relevant about Christians doing yoga. An avid yoga-goer, I was super interested to read it. Until, that is, I saw Mark Driscoll's name in the first sentence. Rolling my eyes at least halfway back in my head, I sighed and pressed on.

He never disappoints. "Yoga is demonic," Driscoll announced definitively. "Yoga is absolute paganism." "Yoga and meditation and Easternism (yes, he said that) are all opening to demons." Anticipating the counterargument that yoga can actually help people connect to God, Driscoll was quick to compare this with "getting drunk and sleeping with your girlfriend in the name of Jesus" or becoming a Jehovah's Witness and worshiping a false God.

As someone who has never held Driscoll's teaching in high regard, it's not shocking to find that all of this strikes me as deeply thoughtless, bombastic, uninformed, and frustrating. Beyond my own opinion, though, is real (anecdotal) evidence. I know several Christians - myself included - who have benefitted in very real ways from doing yoga, and whose walks with God have been deepened through their practice. The Psalms, Proverbs, and other parts of the Bible make reference to the goodness of meditating on the word and works of God, and practicing yoga is a fantastic space to practice taking your thoughts captive to do just that, as you connect with your body, a good gift from God.

"If you just sign up for a little yoga class, you're signing up for a little demon class, that's what you're doing," Driscoll says. (A 'little' yoga class? Are we four?)

The point that Driscoll is missing here is that we can connect with God in all things where he will choose to meet us. And turning away from him, or to another God - as in the Jehovah's Witness example - although not beyond the pale of God by any means, aren't usual instruments of God's formation. But yoga? Yes, it originated in the Hindu tradition. And people were praying long before Jesus set foot on earth. Should we summarily dismiss prayer, as well? Or fasting, or solitude? Or should we meet God where he is, and where he is working in us? That's what I'll choose to do.

don't worry . . .

don't worry about skills you don't have. just extract your uniqueness. - max lucado, via a coffee mug in our office.

i'm going to do this today. i hope you do, too.

good night

it's seven fifty pm and i am showered and in bed, with no intention of leaving until morning. i'm sleepy, and it's times like this when i think of how my friend sarah and i will joke (half-joke, really) about being jealous of babies. (really, think about it - you're cuddled up all day long, you get pushed around in a stroller when you're going from place to place, and at the end of the day, someone puts you in bed and sings to you and pets your head as you go to sleep. but i digress.)

the time before i fall asleep is one of my favorite times of the day. i'm usually reading, and zack is next to me looking up cute pictures of animals online. that is not a joke, or a thing i say to try to embarrass him. it is the truth.

i'll start to get drowsy, and float between the page and the near temptation to close my eyes. and i am warm and cocooned and happy.

anxiety

that is my big, fat secret. the thing that i'm afraid of; the thing that keeps me from being normal and well-adjusted, just like everyone else. i am an anxious person.

it comes in waves. some days are really bad, and i wake up before my alarm is set with my heart already feeling vise-squeezed, and my mind and pulse racing. sometimes, the mornings are fine and it's not until i'm halfway through the workday that i am gripped by the familiar tightness in my chest, or it's on a weekend, or on vacation. i thought there were some places that anxiety wasn't allowed to visit, but now i know that's not the case.

lately, i've learned to be gentler with myself on those hard mornings. to get out of bed quickly after waking, because lying in bed only encourages scarier patterns of thought. i try to meditate and, failing that, slow my breathing and pray a bit.

i talk, too. sometimes it feels so goofy, and always it feels so vulnerable, vulnerable in a way that makes me want to wriggle and apologize for what i'm saying because i know i'm such a burden. and i always say the same thing, some variation of "hey, i'm feeling really anxious right now." i hate this because i think that it means i'm not strong enough or independent enough, when really i think it just means i want to be known and not in hiding.

if i just read the right books, i think, i'll find the secret that will bring me permanent inner peace. if i repeat the right verses to myself, do the right things, take the right job and marry the right person, then i won't experience anxiety. except i still do, and all i can think of in my best anxious moments is that God is with me, that at the very moment i am trying to find him, he has already found me.

i've had two panic attacks in the last month, and have tried to go off of medicine i've been taking for awhile, with bad results, and now i'm trying a new one. and this is super-personal, i realize, about as personal as i've ever gotten on the internet, and i'm sharing it all because i have hope that i am not alone, hope that things will get better, hope that no matter how things are there is still a good God who is close to me and close to you.

so, internet, and friends, that is my deep dark secret. i am filled with anxiety, often to the brim.

some days

there are days when i bring a peach and some string cheese to work, and then feel disappointed in myself when my stomach rumbles at two o'clock.

and the winner is . . .

carmella! congratulations, you've won a free copy of bittersweet. send me a quick email with your mailing address and we'll send the book to you (lkoturner at gmail dot com).

thanks to everyone who shared a bittersweet moment . . . i hope that they will continue to encourage...