if i could be anywhere in the world right now . . .

well, this is usually my answer. what i would do for a slice of chocolate cake, two hot dogs with ketchup and mustard, and a medium iced tea with lemon. maybe some fries. preferably some good company to go with the food, in a corner booth, playing truth or dare and mixing condiments together even though we're 25 and should be respectable.

but, i'd take just the food, too. in case you're offering.

today

my boss told me:

"don't put all this pressure on yourself. you are doing an incredible job so far. i don't work off of the assumption that you will impress me. you already have. if i put this kind of pressure on you, you would never enjoy working here. so enjoy it."

i think i will. what a gift.

there will always be surprises along the way

"Don't worry about the future-worry quenches the work of grace within you. The future belongs to God. He is in charge of all things. Never second-guess him." 

-Francois Fenelon, as read in The Will of God as a Way of Life

i've been reading a fair amount on worry lately.  worry is based on 'unreality,' it strips us of our trust in God, and it creates a cycle of anxiety and restlessness that spin into an illusion of control.

first things worry me, and bring out anxiety in me.  i woke up in the middle of the night on friday, my chest squeezing like my heart was in a vise. a panic attack. a new marriage, a new home, a new job, a new lifestyle, a new financial responsibility. 

worry quenches the work of grace within you.  God, that is so completely true.  when i worry, i think i lose my capacity for grace. my capacity to receive it and recognize it from the Lord, and my capacity to give it openly to others. i lose flexibility in my time, and lean into my plans and ideas and timelines. 

"Whatever we decide," says jerry sittser, "there will always be surprises along the way. Worrying about our future will not change it, nor will it help us make good choices." He goes on to talk about how worry causes distraction, and (ironically) robs us of the ability to prepare for the future. 

i think part of this involves removing some of my own self-inflicted pressure to do things perfectly, to be the best wife, the most innovative employee, the kindest neighbor that there ever was.  i want to be good, innovative, and kind.  but i need most to be myself, i suppose, because if God meets me where i am and i am not there, i will probably not listen to him.

like damien rice says: time, always time.  some things just can't be rushed. and there will always be surprises along the way.

firsts

firsts are hard. but you don't ever get to the sweetness of flow without the first. so today, i'm grateful for a first. for a new start and for freshness, and for an office where i can see outside.