Tuesday, February 24, 2009

the 2nd annual post-oscar debrief

okay, this one's a little bit behind the times. but, better late than never, right?

the white. the mermaid dresses (diane lane, vanessa hudgens, melissa george, penelope cruz, BEYONCE). the feathers sprouting out of the most unexpected places (nicole kidman, vanessa hudgens again)! it was an oscar night to remember. or forget, if you were whoopi goldberg. but i digress . . . here's my take on the things that really mattered that night: what the stars wore.

taraji had THE dress of the night. i would get married in that dress, but it isn't an overtly bridal number. just classy! plus, her accessories: the necklace, the crimson satin clutch, and most of all her HAIR. gorgeous. elegant.

the dress is perfect in its construction. it's messy and imperfect, and if it was in almost any another color it would have looked gothic and masculine. the length, the train, the uneven ruffles, matched with the sleek clutch and hair--it doesn't get much better than this one. a winner.

now, this selection could just be on account of the fact that i think reese witherspoon is adorable. or that i'm an avid fan of blue and black together (when done appropriately). but no, i'm going to go ahead and chalk it up to another objectively great selection by the woman with the hottest boyfriend in hollywood.

it's different than what she usually wears, which isn't too risk-taking. this one is. the straps are gorgeous, and i love the lace on the bodice and the simplicity of the rest of the fabric. she is timelessly stylish.

. . . and speaking of WINNERS! I mean, Angelina looked great, she always does. She could wear a burlap sack and be the hottest woman in the room. But beautiful comes differently, and Jennifer totes nailed it. She was glowing. The dress was flattering, her skin looked great, and she presented well poise when every camerman in the place was getting whiplash from flashing back and forth between her and ang.

(her hair was a different story. i'll save the ranting soliloquy for another, more deserving recipient, but the braid down the side? really? was she feeling nostalgic for how her mom did her hair in third grade? it was not good)

moving on . . .

he is the cutest thing this side of reese w. i have such a huge crush on dev patel, which was only augmented by the fact that he looked adorable in his burberry tux. yes, he's like twelve years old in real life and hasn't even gone through puberty. whatever. i think he looks great.

freida, on the other hand . . . she should have worn a burberry tux, too. this dress did not do anyone any favors, and you should know better to select an oscar gown from a man who wears jamiroquai hats. first of all, the dress was the exact color of the blue eye shadow that jamie lee curtis puts on velda in my girl. that color was awful even in 1991. the beading made it look like something an old woman from florida would dream up, or maybe get buried in.

okay. here we go. i've been waiting to do this one--and i'll admit, there is a certain level of schadenfreude involved in my ripping jessica biel a new one, so to speak. this is for every time i got asked if growing up in my family was like 'seventh heaven' . . .

GOOD GOD, WOMAN! where do i start? where?!? you look like you just ran a marathon after leaving your groom at the altar, and then a flock of birds took a shit in your hair and you rinsed your head in the drinking fountain at a park.
i only know because i once had a teddy bear that got sand in its fur so i rinsed it out in the drinking fountain, and its matted fur looked JUST LIKE YOUR HAIR JESSICA BIEL.

it's cool, though, how the front of your dress DOUBLES AS A SUITCASE so that you don't have to worry about borrowing a nightgown from justin's mom when you spend the night at his house.

Incredible actress. Loved 'Michael Clayton.' I get that she wants to be taken seriously and not judged for her sex appeal or whatever. But it's hard to take you seriously, Tilda Swinton, BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A FETUS!

Mascara is not the enemy! Dresses that fit like garbage bags are not the answer! Your poorly made-up eyes do not give you a fresh face, they only make you look freshly emerged from the WOMB. I half expect to see her covered in new-baby slime next time she's on the red carpet. Blech.

I have a soft spot for Nicole Kidman. As a redhead with fair skin, she is the only celebrity I have been and ever will be compared to. And that's okay, for the most part, because I really do think that she's pretty. But it is not okay for her to dress like this!
First of all, she looks like she is sprouting feathers from her boobs. Contrary to popular belief, this is never a good idea. I hear that guys don't dig it.
Secondly, she is sprouting MORE feathers from her legs! Literally, they are branching off of her dress like hair straggling out from a ponytail, only they're FEATHERS. It looks WEIRD.
Finally, her hair. Is. A. Disaster. Again with the bird's nest hair! Although here, that is a little too literal--I would not be shocked if a giant albatross collided with her giant forehead, got wrapped up in her monstrosity of a hairdo, and left its feathers as death souveneirs on her dress. Honestly, I think that might be the most plausible explanation for this situation.

Love the top of this dress. The strap (sleeve?) is admittedly weird--looks like it's having an identity crisis. But it's well-fitted, simple, and pretty.

As soon as you get to the whole picture, though, what does this dress even resemble? Eight thousand cocktail napkins sewn together? Satin run through a paper shredder and then stitched back together? All her tips from The Wrestler dyed white and put on her person so as to avoid the perils of the stock market?


Okay, Philip Seymour Hoffman. If that even IS your real name, which I doubt, because someone with three classy names like that would surely know better than to wear a skull cap to the oscars. Did you go to In-N-Out earlier with your homies, throw back a few PBRs, and then decide to make a statement on the red carpet? Was your giant head really cold? Did you like the way your hair looked, feathering out the sides? I don't get it.

Here, we see what happened Nicole Kidman's albatross before it died on her head. IT HIT VANESSA HUDGENS IN THE CHEST, but not before making the designers behind Marchesa, a normally awesome duo, totally insane! Clearly, the poor bird thought it was about to do battle with some sort of giant crow and nobly prepared itself for death. Unfortunately, Vanessa was too busy making googly eyes at herself in the mirror to see any of this happening, and no one at the Oscars wanted to upset her by telling her that the bird had left its detritus on the front of her dress. Et, voila. A terrible fashion faux pas was born.

I just had to end on this note. I don't really know if any commentary is necessary, besides that a cheetah and a muumuu had a fight and I can't quite tell who won. Clearly, not Whoopi Goldberg.

It's too bad the Oscars only happen once a year.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

oscar fever

today is the day.

in case you forgot, oscar day is like christmas in the ortberg house. maybe even a little more important, because we don't award money to the winner of christmas.

-your ballot has to be completed by the time the show starts.
-you CANNOT talk during the show. (this rule is unsuccessful every year, as i am the only one who tries to implement it)
-mom holds all the ballots, because everyone else would try to cheat
-the only talking that is approved of (again, loosely enforced) is mocking the host or discussing someone's choice of outfit
-mallory will make delicious appetizers
-laura wins.

this is the way it has been for many years, and thus ever shall be. as the only 'J' in my family, i am frequently frustrated by the lack of organization and decision-making in family events. oscar day is the one thing i can cling to every year. however few they may be, some things never change.

more to come soon about my inevitable victory. until then, though, the WORST and BEST oscar dresses of all time (and by all time, i mean since i started paying attention to them circa 1998):

Gwyneth Paltrow, Alexander McQueen, 2002.

What do you say about a dress like this? I honestly do not know where to start. While I think she's got a kind of bland style, she usually dresses well for award shows. Not this time.

She looks like she hates life! If someone made an outfit whose theme was 'morose,' it would look EXACTLY LIKE THIS. Her boobs look like they were drawn on by the person who writes the cartoon strip 'cathy.' There is not ONE THING right about this outfit. Her hair is lacquered down to her head, the necklace is weird, the skirt does nothing but emphasize the weirdness of the top, and her pale skin does not do her any favors against that nude color (I should know). A total distaster!

Reese Witherspoon, vintage Valentino, 2005.

Reese, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of a disaster. In fact, she looks so good that they GAVE HER the academy award that night! I know there are some people who are of the opinion that you get the award based on things like merit and talent, but that is a foolheaded idea. It goes to whoever Anna Wintour thinks is best dressed (which explains some of the weird choices, like why diane keaton won for annie hall).

this dress is gorgeous. it is elegant, glamorous, and fitted enough to be sexy and reminiscent of the golden age of hollywood. most importantly, reese wears it well. the jewelry is right, her hair is perfect, the makeup looks gorgeous, and for all we know, she's got her havianas on underneath and is totally comfy.

so, here's to tradition and champagne and fashion analysis and a wonderful family. thanks in advance for all of your congratulatory comments, it feels great to win.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

twenty five things about me, written by me.

1. i have a nemesis. his name is vince, and he works at blockbuster.

2. i don't like to think of myself as inordinately devoted to my dog, but i am. (I had 'probably am' at first, and then i thought, what would michele say to me? and then i removed the 'probably')

3. lauren and brian made camping fun for me, which i really thought would NEVER happen.

4. last summer, i fell while running downhill at night in strappy sandals and fell smack on my face; no damage to my hands at all. good friends, surprise coke & rums, and oversieze sunglasses made it better.

5. p.g. wodehouse and pat conroy are tied for favorite author.

6. on that note, i think i go a little bit crazy when i'm not reading a novel (which i'm not right now).

7. i am oddly competitive for someone who has never really been involved in organized sports.

8. sometimes i daydream about working in the fashion industry, and like to live vicariously through shows like 'the hills,' 'the city,' and 'project runway.'

9. if i could only eat peanut butter toast (creamy jif, orowheat 100% whole grain bread) for the rest of my life, my diet would not look too different than it does today.

10.i really like fancy hotels.

11. of all the people that i admire, there is no one more so than zack.

12. the time that zack bought me an iced tea when we were in the middle of a fight (a fight that was all my fault) is one of the clearest moments and pictures of grace i have.

13. i will cry every time i watch anne of green gables.

14. when i was younger, i had a recurring nightmare where i was in the back of a car driving around chino hills, and about ten minutes in i realized that no one was at the steering wheel.

15. vince, the aforementioned nemesis, thinks that i have bad taste in movies. he has not actually said so with words, but i can see it in his eyes every time i bring 'saw v' or 'she's all that' to the register. i would like to either A.) beat him in a game of obscure movie trivia or B.) tell him that he would be impressed by my actual movie-watching but blockbuster's selection leaves a lot to be desired so i just get good movies from netflix or C.) both of those but what will probably happen is D.) i will keep renting b-movies from blockbuster and never say anything and vince will continue judging me. it's what we know.

16. the only other nemesis i've had was when i was a cca at forest home. i was 12.

17. my iphone has not changed my life, but i do like it.

18. bougainvillea, while not really suitable for a bouquet or vase, is probably my very favorite flower only because i so strongly identify it with california.

19. sometimes i take things personally that should not be taken personally.

20. sometimes i wish that jesse mollkoy still wanted to marry me, but i'm afraid he's been over it for years. bummer.

21. i do not like the show 'full house.'

22. not until college did i realize that the group of friends i had in high school was a rare commodity. i thought that everyone had a tight-knit, fallback group of people that walked with them through everything, and i think that learning that this wasn't the case has both made me deeply appreciate what we have and think differently about inclusion.

23. i turned twenty-three in june, and it still hasn't caught up to me. turning twenty-four might have to be put off another year.

24. doesn't matter what time of day it is or whether i have just eaten thanksgiving dinner, i will ALWAYS go to portillo's if someone is going, and will always have the same exact thing.

25. i'm feeling too much pressure to write a 'good' last one, so i'm just going to thank you for reading and go eat some peanut butter toast.