Tuesday, February 24, 2009

the 2nd annual post-oscar debrief

okay, this one's a little bit behind the times. but, better late than never, right?

the white. the mermaid dresses (diane lane, vanessa hudgens, melissa george, penelope cruz, BEYONCE). the feathers sprouting out of the most unexpected places (nicole kidman, vanessa hudgens again)! it was an oscar night to remember. or forget, if you were whoopi goldberg. but i digress . . . here's my take on the things that really mattered that night: what the stars wore.

taraji had THE dress of the night. i would get married in that dress, but it isn't an overtly bridal number. just classy! plus, her accessories: the necklace, the crimson satin clutch, and most of all her HAIR. gorgeous. elegant.

the dress is perfect in its construction. it's messy and imperfect, and if it was in almost any another color it would have looked gothic and masculine. the length, the train, the uneven ruffles, matched with the sleek clutch and hair--it doesn't get much better than this one. a winner.

now, this selection could just be on account of the fact that i think reese witherspoon is adorable. or that i'm an avid fan of blue and black together (when done appropriately). but no, i'm going to go ahead and chalk it up to another objectively great selection by the woman with the hottest boyfriend in hollywood.

it's different than what she usually wears, which isn't too risk-taking. this one is. the straps are gorgeous, and i love the lace on the bodice and the simplicity of the rest of the fabric. she is timelessly stylish.

. . . and speaking of WINNERS! I mean, Angelina looked great, she always does. She could wear a burlap sack and be the hottest woman in the room. But beautiful comes differently, and Jennifer totes nailed it. She was glowing. The dress was flattering, her skin looked great, and she presented well poise when every camerman in the place was getting whiplash from flashing back and forth between her and ang.

(her hair was a different story. i'll save the ranting soliloquy for another, more deserving recipient, but the braid down the side? really? was she feeling nostalgic for how her mom did her hair in third grade? it was not good)

moving on . . .

he is the cutest thing this side of reese w. i have such a huge crush on dev patel, which was only augmented by the fact that he looked adorable in his burberry tux. yes, he's like twelve years old in real life and hasn't even gone through puberty. whatever. i think he looks great.

freida, on the other hand . . . she should have worn a burberry tux, too. this dress did not do anyone any favors, and you should know better to select an oscar gown from a man who wears jamiroquai hats. first of all, the dress was the exact color of the blue eye shadow that jamie lee curtis puts on velda in my girl. that color was awful even in 1991. the beading made it look like something an old woman from florida would dream up, or maybe get buried in.

okay. here we go. i've been waiting to do this one--and i'll admit, there is a certain level of schadenfreude involved in my ripping jessica biel a new one, so to speak. this is for every time i got asked if growing up in my family was like 'seventh heaven' . . .

GOOD GOD, WOMAN! where do i start? where?!? you look like you just ran a marathon after leaving your groom at the altar, and then a flock of birds took a shit in your hair and you rinsed your head in the drinking fountain at a park.
i only know because i once had a teddy bear that got sand in its fur so i rinsed it out in the drinking fountain, and its matted fur looked JUST LIKE YOUR HAIR JESSICA BIEL.

it's cool, though, how the front of your dress DOUBLES AS A SUITCASE so that you don't have to worry about borrowing a nightgown from justin's mom when you spend the night at his house.

Incredible actress. Loved 'Michael Clayton.' I get that she wants to be taken seriously and not judged for her sex appeal or whatever. But it's hard to take you seriously, Tilda Swinton, BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A FETUS!

Mascara is not the enemy! Dresses that fit like garbage bags are not the answer! Your poorly made-up eyes do not give you a fresh face, they only make you look freshly emerged from the WOMB. I half expect to see her covered in new-baby slime next time she's on the red carpet. Blech.

I have a soft spot for Nicole Kidman. As a redhead with fair skin, she is the only celebrity I have been and ever will be compared to. And that's okay, for the most part, because I really do think that she's pretty. But it is not okay for her to dress like this!
First of all, she looks like she is sprouting feathers from her boobs. Contrary to popular belief, this is never a good idea. I hear that guys don't dig it.
Secondly, she is sprouting MORE feathers from her legs! Literally, they are branching off of her dress like hair straggling out from a ponytail, only they're FEATHERS. It looks WEIRD.
Finally, her hair. Is. A. Disaster. Again with the bird's nest hair! Although here, that is a little too literal--I would not be shocked if a giant albatross collided with her giant forehead, got wrapped up in her monstrosity of a hairdo, and left its feathers as death souveneirs on her dress. Honestly, I think that might be the most plausible explanation for this situation.

Love the top of this dress. The strap (sleeve?) is admittedly weird--looks like it's having an identity crisis. But it's well-fitted, simple, and pretty.

As soon as you get to the whole picture, though, what does this dress even resemble? Eight thousand cocktail napkins sewn together? Satin run through a paper shredder and then stitched back together? All her tips from The Wrestler dyed white and put on her person so as to avoid the perils of the stock market?


Okay, Philip Seymour Hoffman. If that even IS your real name, which I doubt, because someone with three classy names like that would surely know better than to wear a skull cap to the oscars. Did you go to In-N-Out earlier with your homies, throw back a few PBRs, and then decide to make a statement on the red carpet? Was your giant head really cold? Did you like the way your hair looked, feathering out the sides? I don't get it.

Here, we see what happened Nicole Kidman's albatross before it died on her head. IT HIT VANESSA HUDGENS IN THE CHEST, but not before making the designers behind Marchesa, a normally awesome duo, totally insane! Clearly, the poor bird thought it was about to do battle with some sort of giant crow and nobly prepared itself for death. Unfortunately, Vanessa was too busy making googly eyes at herself in the mirror to see any of this happening, and no one at the Oscars wanted to upset her by telling her that the bird had left its detritus on the front of her dress. Et, voila. A terrible fashion faux pas was born.

I just had to end on this note. I don't really know if any commentary is necessary, besides that a cheetah and a muumuu had a fight and I can't quite tell who won. Clearly, not Whoopi Goldberg.

It's too bad the Oscars only happen once a year.


betsie said...

Yes! Finally! Biting commentary, to be sure. Most of which I agree with, minus one: Freida Pinto. I think she looked great! She didn't go all out and wear a sari, but still managed to find something subtly Indian.

The rest of it though, is spot on. Especially the albatross. Something tells me bits and pieces, dander and feathers, from that bird are going to keep showing up on people around Hollywood. It always just ends up looking like the piece of scrap crap that some contestant on Project Runway slaps onto their rushed creation at the last second, only to have Heidi point out that feathers can't make up for poor workmanship.

Myrna Perez said...

Again, your comments are much wittier than the normal gossip mags...

Although I also have a disagreement; though a different one than Bets. I really didn't like Reese's outfit: not so much from the objective stand point of the dress, but that it sat in an unflattering way across her chest. I thought the whole ensemble made her look a bit dumpy; and that just doesn't do her justice.

Freida however, looked a bit campy. Little too much Dallas high school musical costume.

Lisa said...

okay, how did I miss this?! I know I'm commenting way late. I would have enjoyed reading this if it's author was a stranger to me, but the fact that it was you made it that much better. I didn't get to watch this year. tear. so I loved getting to see these pics and read your commentary. I was laughing out loud and Chase from the other room asked me who I was talking with.