Sunday, February 22, 2009

oscar fever

today is the day.

in case you forgot, oscar day is like christmas in the ortberg house. maybe even a little more important, because we don't award money to the winner of christmas.

-your ballot has to be completed by the time the show starts.
-you CANNOT talk during the show. (this rule is unsuccessful every year, as i am the only one who tries to implement it)
-mom holds all the ballots, because everyone else would try to cheat
-the only talking that is approved of (again, loosely enforced) is mocking the host or discussing someone's choice of outfit
-mallory will make delicious appetizers
-laura wins.

this is the way it has been for many years, and thus ever shall be. as the only 'J' in my family, i am frequently frustrated by the lack of organization and decision-making in family events. oscar day is the one thing i can cling to every year. however few they may be, some things never change.

more to come soon about my inevitable victory. until then, though, the WORST and BEST oscar dresses of all time (and by all time, i mean since i started paying attention to them circa 1998):

Gwyneth Paltrow, Alexander McQueen, 2002.

What do you say about a dress like this? I honestly do not know where to start. While I think she's got a kind of bland style, she usually dresses well for award shows. Not this time.

She looks like she hates life! If someone made an outfit whose theme was 'morose,' it would look EXACTLY LIKE THIS. Her boobs look like they were drawn on by the person who writes the cartoon strip 'cathy.' There is not ONE THING right about this outfit. Her hair is lacquered down to her head, the necklace is weird, the skirt does nothing but emphasize the weirdness of the top, and her pale skin does not do her any favors against that nude color (I should know). A total distaster!

Reese Witherspoon, vintage Valentino, 2005.

Reese, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of a disaster. In fact, she looks so good that they GAVE HER the academy award that night! I know there are some people who are of the opinion that you get the award based on things like merit and talent, but that is a foolheaded idea. It goes to whoever Anna Wintour thinks is best dressed (which explains some of the weird choices, like why diane keaton won for annie hall).

this dress is gorgeous. it is elegant, glamorous, and fitted enough to be sexy and reminiscent of the golden age of hollywood. most importantly, reese wears it well. the jewelry is right, her hair is perfect, the makeup looks gorgeous, and for all we know, she's got her havianas on underneath and is totally comfy.

so, here's to tradition and champagne and fashion analysis and a wonderful family. thanks in advance for all of your congratulatory comments, it feels great to win.

1 comment:

Myrna Perez said...

1. Just so you know, I've added your blog to my RSS feed (though I'm still not quite sure how it works) so I WILL be reading your posts.

2. One of my not so secret secrets is that I obsessively read about award show fashion. And movies. And movies stars. And watch movie trailers. I do not, however, actually like to see the movies themselves. Still figuring that one out. More relevantly, I've read many an Oscar commentary (including some blogs on the Huffington Post) this week, and yours was BY FAR the most entertaining. I don't know if that's because I like you already... but I suspect not.