'heartbreakingly succinct'

. . . this was probably the best description i have heard of the oscars in my extensive online debriefing.

it was an okay ceremony. nothing about it was superlative. where were the bjorks, in their dead swan dresses? the nicole kidmans in their chartreuse dior? the fact that they cut out the 'best song' live performances was compensated for in time and pain by the interpretive dances for best score and the glossy recaps of the TEN best picture nominees. alec baldwin and (especially) steve martin were great, but they got such little screen time that it almost didn't matter.

in a word: meh.

Of course, i don't really mean that, because i LOVE the oscars and couldn't sleep the night before they were on and i totally have letdown symptoms today. it just wasn't a lively ceremony. gabourey sidibe was the only person there who acted totally excited to be there and not movie-star smug.

the real disappointment for me, thought, comes in the fashion. let's be honest, zoe saldana's dress was a lavendar nightmare, but at least she took a risk! in the words of my good friend rachel, when something is boring, it is BO-RING. and the dresses this year were just that.

nevertheless, i will not refrain from commenting, judging, and generally playing joan rivers. let's get started.

PENELOPE CRUZ

so, so, super classy.

it looks like it's the color of every red wine ever made. also, 'burgundy' would work. i love the diagonal ruching, the asymmetrical top, the length, how it probably swished when she walked by you. . . . it's the perfect "i'm nominated and i know i won't win but i am classier than anyone else here and i am dating javier bardem so bite me" dress. and really, what more could a girl want? she looks incredible.








DIANE KRUGER





i just do. not. understand.

she is gorgeous. really, SO pretty. and i do love black-and-white dresses. and the accordion pleating at the bottom, and then WHAT THE HELL is going on in the middle? and more importantly, WHY is it going on? what a totally awesome dress it would have been belted ONCE, right around the middle. i'm not picky. waist, hips, under the hips for the mermaid look, above the waist for the empire . . . but it's like Karl Lagerfeld ran out of fabric, threw up his bejeweled hands and covered up the middle of the dress with his goddaughter;s christening dress.




FAITH HILL





i hoped against hope that she had learned from the 'my-little-pony-rainbow-mermaid' dress a few years ago. should have known that she doesn't seem to learn from her mistakes, though.

the 'bra' here looks like it was an afterthought, picked up from the dumpster outside catwoman's house and more than a little too narrow for comfort. and the rest of it . . . honestly, it just makes me think of my grandma's old nightgowns, the ones that my sister and cousin and i would pose in and clip in the back because there was too much lace, except more revealing and less flattering.

also, it's just boring to wear black to the oscars. even this black. and she's so pretty . . .





CAMERON DIAZ


wow.


SERIOUSLY. wow! cameron, almost reliably, shows up to shows like these looking like she walked straight off the treadmill and slathered on some bright red lipstick. her dress choices aren't awful, on average, but this oscar de la renta is heads and shoulders above A) most of her past choices and B) most of the other dresses at the oscars on sunday.

i hate myself for saying this, but she is reminiscent of grace kelly. in looks alone.







KATE WINSLET




mallory said on sunday night that kate looked better as a brunette. while i initially disagreed, i'm coming around right now . . .

however, that is neither here nor there. because, look! kate winslet managed to wear THE MOST BORING THING EVER to the oscars! as another apt blogger pointed out, helen mirren or meryl streep could have worn this down the red carpet and gotten nothing but respect. the point being that, last time i checked, kate winslet is not sixty years old and NO ONE SHOULD EVER SHOP AT CHICO'S, where i believe all of this came from. chico's probably custom-made it for her. it feels kind of sad - have fun with it, kate! you are impossibly beautiful! and these are the oscars!

also, the skirt looked a little bit like harem pants sometimes.




SANDRA BULLOCK

first of all, let's address the fact that sandy dressed LIKE an oscar and she WON an oscar. i don't think it was a coincidence. i think when they academy saw her, and realized how good her dress would look on that stage with the little man next to it, and saw meryl, whose dress was reminiscent of celine dion's backwards pantsuit, they just called an audible. they crossed out meryl's name (don't worry, it's happened like 14 times) and gave it to sandra, in all her raven-haired, red-lipped, sparkly golden glory.

really. she looks fantastic. she makes some bad decisions at times - remember the purple dress at the golden globes this year? - but she is so beautiful, and radiant, and for the combination of perfect hair and makeup and OMG that dress, i think she officially wins best-dressed at the 2010 oscars. not counting my new best friend, gabby sidibe. but seriously. just look at her! how could you not?




ZOE SALDANA

. . .

good
good
good
cute
nice
huh?
hmmm
okay,
i could
get used
to . . .
WHAT
THE
HELL?

seriously. what the hell. this dress starts off well. golden, sparkly, warm - follows the motif of the best dresses of the whole night. and then it ends like a bad joke! or like an explosion of paper mache! lots of purple sponges! a parade float, toilet paper, loads of tiny shih tzus dyed all shades of purple? a royal pinata? help me out here, you guys.

for this awful thing, zoe receives the FIRST ANNUAL "Oh, honey, no," award. as i don't know her personally, i will not hand it to her, but if i were to, please picture me shaking my head disapprovingly and clucking as i did.

okay, i'm kind of wiped. there are so many still to talk about! but for now, i will leave you with this CRAZY recap from the lady who kanye'd that other guy:


BURKETT: What happened was the director and I had a bad difference over the direction of the film that resulted in a lawsuit that has settled amicably out of court. But there have been all these events around the Oscars, and I wasn't invited to any of them. And he's not speaking to me. So we weren't even able to discuss ahead of the time who would be the one person allowed to speak if we won. And then, as I'm sure you saw, when we won, he raced up there to accept the award. And his mother took her cane and blocked me. So I couldn't get up there very fast.

CHARLIZE

oh my gosh, you guys. i can't believe i was totally ready to go without even talking about this one!!!


Two things:

1) Her hair that way? Kind of makes her look like Kate Gosselein.

2) Boob rosettes.

I mean, REALLY? What did she think, that differently-colored fabric on her boobs, in the shape of little roses, wouldn't make people be like, whoa, charlize! your boobs! because that didn't work. she has rosettes. on her boobs.

finally, this dress (minus the b.r.s) looks a lot like my prom dress senior year of high school, long sash in back and all. and while that was a beautiful dress, i was seventeen years old and living in hoffman estates, il. you can do better, sweetie.