Monday, March 1, 2010

in the spirit of the oscars . . .

which are SIX DAYS AWAY . . . I would like to share with you my first official 2010 pre-Oscar post.

(for those of you who don't know, dear readers, that the Oscars are the event of the year in my family of origin, consider yourselves warned. it is a battle TO THE DEATH each year, mostly involving myself and my father, who has run an ABL ["Anyone But Laura"] campaign for the last six years running. each year, we all vote in every Oscar category. the winner receives compensation in the form of 80 american dollars, give or take, and pride to carry in her heart for the rest of the year. i claimed the title for five years running, but have had a bumpy road of late, due to the entrance of Zack into the kitty, the surprise late entry of Mallory in 2007, and the vehemence with which the pater familias has been running his little campaign. am not too worried about 2010, although the jump to ten best picture nominees has thrown me for a bit of a loop.)

I digress . . .

To kick off OSCAR WEEK 2010 (think Kitty yelling "Spring Break!" in Arrested Development), I would like to begin with the five worst-dressed Oscar nominees of all time. By 'all time,' naturally, I mean searchable on the dubya dubya dubya.

Gwenyth Paltrow, 2002, Alexander McQueen

First of all, RIP AMcQ.
Second of all, sometimes I look at this dress and think, it's not so bad. The braid looks kind of Swedish milkmaid cute. And that's when I know I haven't gotten enough sleep lately, and probably have scurvy. Skeletal hemorrhaging always messes with my sense of right and wrong. This. is. awful. The weird, nipple-baring ruched top. Her hair, which is a color that doesn't really exist in nature. The fact that the top of the dress has a hue barely discernible from her own flesh. I don't even want to start on why she felt like she had to wear that stupid necklace. Really.

Demi Moore, 1989, biker shorts and bustier, plus hip-enhancing cape (her own design)


MAYBE, she rode her bike to the Kodak Theater, got the front-train stuck in the gears, got so frustrated that she tore it off, then walked down the red carpet saying "TAA DAA! Someday, I will be married to a man who is eleven right now!"


Tilda Swinton in the Lanvin trashbag, 2008

She scares me. Even more than her heartless and robotic lawyer in Michael Clayton. At least she wore mascara for that role! She looks like a life-sucking fetus, and I do not care what you say, this is not avant-garde or edgy, it is scaaaary. Rated NC-17. She's like the ghost of Mister Burns in that Simpsons episodes where he became radioactive and wandered the forests of Springfield. BUT SHE'S REAL!!!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman, 2009, ?

You've decided to wear a skullcap. To the Oscars. How do you go about selecting juuuuuust the right one? Will any old beanie do? Do you have to make sure it doesn't have any logos on it, or you'll have to put black tape over them like on The Real World? Do you pull a hat out of your closet? Do you go shopping? Do you send your stylist out to Burberry to choose a wool-lined cashmere number that is measured to fit your bulbous head, and yours alone?

These are questions you should NEVER have to ask yourself. When in doubt, look at Phillip Seymour. Then do the exact opposite of him. Voila! No more worst-dressed lists for you.

the fifth . . . i might have to resort to microfiche or something, because i'd really like to include someone from back in the day. let's just say, buster keaton, 1956. i bet bette davis wore some pretty big dresses when she ruled the roost.
i would say Bjork in the swan, but this one is too obvious. I'd be disgusted with myself for being so unoriginal.

Cher would get an honorable mention, maybe, but she is Cher after all. So whatever it is, on her, it looks totally normal and it would be weeeird if she wore some classy Marchesa frock. Let's hope Bob Mackie lasts as long as she does. And then some, because who would Cher in her casket be without a feathered headdress?

any thoughts on your fifth man/woman? hopefully. i want to hear. but please remember, if you will, the i was the earth's only fan of jennifer hudson's bolero back in 2008, so no ragging there.

see you tomorrow for more oscar madness - the best week of the year.


Bex said...

This is THE best post I've read all week. You are hilarious!

Lisa said...

how could you forget the year of the swan? Remember the actress who dressed in the duck costume? who was that, anyway?

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura Ortberg Turner said...

lis, i didn't forget - it was bjork, remember! but it was too easy to pick her. plus, her dress was SUPER weird, but it was more weird than awful.