guilty pleasure for a thursday

i am listening this morning to the musical stylings of mariah carey, circa 1995, and am brought reeling back to fourth grade when gina trapani (not this gina trapani) and i would play 'daydream' on repeat, before we knew that 'open arms' was a journey cover and before mariah went crazy (see: glitter) and came out with a fragrance whose name suggests that she is even crazier now.

i remember playing the song 'one sweet day' on a cassette for my parents in our green minivan, driving down 90 toward chicago, waxing earnest about how touching this boyz II men duet was. and you know what? i sometimes still choke up. don't tell, though. that's my guilty pleasure (for today).

belize

in t minus two weeks or so, we will be here.




staying in one of these:













probably drinking something with an umbrella, reading in the shade, snorkeling until the sun goes down, and seeing the rainforest before all this goes down.

oh, my

it's been a really rocky last few days for me, and i'm learning that my intuitive response when things get rocky is anxiety. i guess i've known this for quite some time, but it always feels new when the emotions are so strong and all-consuming.

so here's the tricky part: how do i change my intuitive response? what practices do i need to take on to get a better gut reaction? because sometimes, even when i want to seek after growth, i get anxious instead.

this morning

everything in me wants to complain right now. about being at work, about leaving vacation, about not getting to see the ocean enough and my desk being too messy and our house being too messy and missing my friends. i just want to feel bad for myself, complain, pout, and daydream.

actually doing anything about this would, while possibly having the consequence of being productive, ultimately put me in the position of having to be moved from this posture of complaint, and if i must be honest, i really like being in this posture right now. i enjoy building a case in my mind whereby i am a victim with no active responsibilities, especially because it means that everyone else is responsible for making my life better.

and this is where i start to run away from myself, from the hard work i need to do to become better. this is where i leave who i am and ask everyone else around me to fill me up, when really, only one thing can fill me up. when i leave my self-centered mind, i cling to the truth that henri nouwen writes about:

"be patient. when you feel lonely, stay with your loneliness. avoid the temptation to let your fearful self run off. let it teach you its wisdom; let it tell you that you can live instead of just surviving. gradually, you will become one, and you will find that Jesus is living in your heart and offering you all you need."

comparative yoga

and again, it all comes back to yoga.

i went last night. laid out my mat in the usual spot, stretched, and no sooner had i laid down for my pre-yoga nap than my mind began to race with the comparative competencies of the people around me. the guy with the curly hair who does the hop-up thing reeeally well, but otherwise just sits in prayer position most of the class. the woman in all black with cropped blond hair who, even with a wrist brace can do a headstand that puts the rest of us to shame. the new girl in the magenta top--ooooh, she's grabbing one of the studio's mats. she doesn't even have her own; she's in over her head.

really, who am i kidding? this started before i even walked into the studio, when i started wondering who would be in class and who i would be better than and who i could try to beat. in yoga! has my need for recognition really grown so trivial that i need to win at yoga? then again, i guess, the need for recognition is inherently trivial and immature. still, this feels like a particular low. but that's what happened. i compared and compared all class long, with intermittent guilt breaks. when does it start to get better?