Wednesday, July 21, 2010

this morning

everything in me wants to complain right now. about being at work, about leaving vacation, about not getting to see the ocean enough and my desk being too messy and our house being too messy and missing my friends. i just want to feel bad for myself, complain, pout, and daydream.

actually doing anything about this would, while possibly having the consequence of being productive, ultimately put me in the position of having to be moved from this posture of complaint, and if i must be honest, i really like being in this posture right now. i enjoy building a case in my mind whereby i am a victim with no active responsibilities, especially because it means that everyone else is responsible for making my life better.

and this is where i start to run away from myself, from the hard work i need to do to become better. this is where i leave who i am and ask everyone else around me to fill me up, when really, only one thing can fill me up. when i leave my self-centered mind, i cling to the truth that henri nouwen writes about:

"be patient. when you feel lonely, stay with your loneliness. avoid the temptation to let your fearful self run off. let it teach you its wisdom; let it tell you that you can live instead of just surviving. gradually, you will become one, and you will find that Jesus is living in your heart and offering you all you need."

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